Just Be There

 I have come to the end of myself. I’ve been trying and trying and trying to make this all better. I can’t. It’s not working. So I took a walk. Yes, in the cold, the rain that turned to snow. I took a walk and I sang to myself. After telling God that I’m trying, I heard Him say “Just be there. Just BE.”

 Romans 12:15 says, “rejoice with those rejoice and weep with those who weep.” (ESV)

 I got the weeping part down-now for the rejoicing.

I have recently realized that I am extremely proud. Really, I've known that all along, but today, I realized it-and, I realized that it is keeping me from ministering to the people group God has called me to minister to, it keeps me from those around me, it keeps me from being able to love and be gracious and humble to those that I am called to-it keeps me from the people I love.

 See, you can’t love people when you continue to think that they are doing it all wrong, that you would NEVER do what they are doing, at least not HOW they are doing it now. You can’t reach a point of, grace, or love or compassion when you have that attitude! I love these people! Really! I’m struggling with showing it-I have to act on that love, to figure out HOW to love. 

 The only way to love, is to know love. Do I know love? I know love, but in my heart, am I believing that I am loved? That I am precious and sought after? That I am not forsaken?

 I've been slowly (but surely) realizing that I cannot fix everyone’s problems or hurt feelings or their broken hearts. It is not within my power. And it is exhausting me!! I am already stressed (if you couldn't tell by my last post) and carrying everyone else’s problems and feelings on my shoulders is not helping-it’s not helping me or them. I cannot be who I need to be, I cannot be the face of Jesus to those I love when I am exhausted and not trusting in Him.

 So I took a walk. I sang to myself. First, Let It Go, which was very comforting until I got to the line “the past is in the past” then I cried and had to move on. Then it was Let It Be but I can only remember the first verse and the chorus, so that got old. Then it was You’ll Be in My Heart, which was comforting. But the songs that really got me where at the end-No Fight Left, by JJ Heller and After All (Not for a Moment) by Meredith Andrews.

 “There is no fight left, on the inside

But maybe that’s where I should be

I've given up trying, I’m giving it all

To You.

 There is no place I can go

Where You don’t already know

How to reach right down and pull me out

I need you

I need you

I need you.”

 And then, reassuringly, this came back from my memory like an old friend…

“After all, You are constant

After all, You are only good

After all, You are Sovereign

Not for a moment

Will you forsake me.”

 Not for a moment, will He forsake me or those that I love. Not now, not ever. He is ever present and gently asking us to come to Him, to surrender, to give up our control and worry and stress and burdens, whether ours or others’, to come home to Him and just, just simply be.

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)

 Just to be there, with Jesus, to be there for those I love. To weep with them if they are weeping, to sing with them if they are singing, to dance with them if they are dancing, and to rejoicing with them if they are rejoicing. This is the way I can love them. Just to be with them. To be relaxed, and to be myself.

 It is a blessed thing to be at the end of yourself. Because then, and only then, can you come to Jesus.

 I love you all

 Good-Night

-the winter girl

Life at the moment

Hey you guys!!
 So I recently decided to go to college.

 I realize that sounds pretty strange to normal people, so I will explain my odd way of thinking. It's always been a dream of mine to go to college, but that didn't seem possible this year. But then I was depressed and mopey because my sister is leaving me for a job - can you believe that?? and a whole couple states away! - and feeling like I wasn't going anywhere, like I was stuck at home (sorry mom and dad, I really do love you - promise). But then it came to me a few weeks ago - what if I went to college? I spent another hour thinking about it, and after finding enormous peace, I approached my parents about it - but it wasn't until they were telling everyone that I decided for sure for sure good buddy.
 I'm ready. Ready to be independent (the girl who's totally fine with not becoming one of those old responsible people and leaving the comfort of her parents' loving care) and start my life.

 So then, on the way to applying, I discovered that scholarships are not the small trip I thought they'd be - not sure how I thought it'd be like taking a Saturday swim in a little pond, but I found myself diving in the ocean. Pretty big surprise! Yippee!! So much fun!!
 Total sarcasm. I'm suffocating!! I'm drowning!! Quick! Pull me out! I don't like this! Are you the National Guard? The thought of just one essay is enough to give me hives.
 Not to mention all the stuff I have to pay for now. Let's not talk about tuition, I'm still recovering from the spat about the, 'S' word... ugh! (shivers) I have to stretch my meager earnings between: my youth pastor trying to bankrupt me with all the youth events, retreats and camp planned between now and Fall, I now also have to equip myself with all the things my parents have so lovingly provided my whole long life (I am old now, remember). Shampoo, towels, notebooks, sheets, oatmeal, coffee... nnuuuuuuuggghh. No fun, at all.
 Add on that God has gifted me with one of those organized, get-stuff-done-ASAP-or-die-in-the-process personalities, so having to WAIT for my paycheck and budget my already lame funds between my apparently expensive spirituality and necessities for my surviving "the real world" (pray for me), I've been a little bit, well, burnt out recently.

 I know that this is where I need to be going - I'm at peace pursuing this goal, and I'm restless to get going - yet drowning under the waves of scholarships and no longer having nails from chewing them off about the money-thing,  I realized something last night that I used to never forget: God's got this. I can trust Him with all of this - if He wants it done, it will get done, one way or another, it's up to Him. It is NOT up to me (thank goodness!). I do still have to work on stuff everyday but I can trust that what I am doing is enough, that He will take care of the rest.
 Just realizing that what I am worrying about is in His hands, is so relieving! I am in His hands, as are the plans He has for me. He has equipped me for His purpose, not mine, His and He is in charge of making it happen. Praise the LORD I do not have to worry, but trust and do what I can everyday, and He will take what I give and multiply.
 It's so reassuring. To remember that I am not alone. Not ever. Even amidst the scholarships (bleh) and retreats and things (He is greater that mere things), He is here, right beside me, telling me to chill 'cause He's got this.
 "Cast all your cares upon Him and He will give you more things you have to pay for" - NO!
 "And He will give you... rest."
 How wonderful is that?
 Truly, our God is good.
 I'm telling you guys, He loves us. Like a father loves his kids. He's got you, He hasn't forgotten you or your worries. Take your troubles to Him and see how they disappear, fluttering away like pretty butterflies.
 Don't get my wrong, I still have to pay for stuff, but I'm trusting that He will provide - and if not, then I didn't need to buy that hairdryer or go to that retreat.

Love you guys!
  the Winter Old-Person

Ludwig van Beethoven's Genius

Playing the first few notes of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata is like an amateur chef putting the first ingredients of a complicated recipe that her mother had made since her childhood, into her favorite dish. It's like an amateur software engineer writing code for his favorite game company. It's like a young lawyer finding himself in a Federal court. It's like a young artist, finding himself able to paint the first few strokes of the Mona Lisa.
 It's simple, 'cause it's just a few tablespoons, a few typed keys, an argument, a few strokes of a brush-it's really just a handful of piano keys played slowly. A four year old could play them correctly.
 And yet, they are so incredible-so beautiful-so precious to me. I've listened to the Moonlight Sonata since childhood (without knowing what it was). I played it at night when I couldn't sleep in my early teens. My ear buds digging into the inside of my ears. I've imagined playing it for years now. I've closed my eyes and moved my head along to the notes.
 Beethoven wrote the Moonlight Sonata for one of his students whom he had fallen in love with-it's a love-song. It's soft, beautiful, captivating. Light, happy, carefree, loud, passionate, deep, amazing.
 It was what I played when God's love over-spilled into my heart, into my ears, my emotions, my soul.
 Any of you who play the piano could play the first few notes-the whole first movement; and if you're really good, the whole third, perfectly, and not be moved, or think once about it. You could just be playing and wondering to yourself what you'll have for dinner. But to me, to me, it's so dang beautiful, and amazing.
 And someday, I will play Beethoven's best work (in my opinion, which is saying something, his ninth Symphony is pretty incredible), all the way through, and I will play it superbly.

 xoxo

The Winter Girl...

Fingernails

 I bet you are thinking that this is an odd subject for a blog post.
 Yesterday I read a friends blog post about abortion. And it got me thinking that I wanted to do something-even if it is small.
 I believe that God will forgive those who have been involved in abortion.
 I do not believe that abortion is right.

 In the movie Juno, when she goes to the clinic, there's a protester outside. Her protest isn't, persuasive, but she tells Juno that her baby has fingernails. When Juno goes inside, she notices everyone's fingernails.
 Last night I cut my fingernails the shortest they've been in a really long time. I will not cut them again until after Febuary 14th.

 "May the tears fall down
Let them soften this ground
May our hearts be found
God forgive us now."
  -Tears Fall, BarlowGirl

Lawn Mowing, and a little change...

I love mowing the lawn. I have ever since I started. It is always nice to look and see that you mowed that tall grass down to a reasonable height. It is nice alone time- the mower blocks out other noises, and I usually listen to music (and sometimes sing along...). Mowers are pretty cool too, as they help you mow the lawn.

I love doing all of this.

 Our new lawn mower is silent, so since my family (or the family members that are not away at college...) went out with me to clear some weeds, or just sit there and watch and laugh, it can also be nice family time.

Unless, of course, you have a crappy mower... and then the yard doesn't look nice, and you can't do anything about it, unless you rake in different directions, and then all the laying-down blasted grass that is laying down pops up, and you mow over it until it lays back down again, or you are some how able to cut it with the lawn mower (which isn't automatic-it's like an old-fashioned lawn mower, only upgraded. Also, the "bag", so called, doesn't help anything, it just holds the tiny bit of grass that you some how cut on the blade, so that the blade tosses it in front of you- so you also have to rake the whole terrible-looking yard...). Your hands hurt from gripping the handle (which happens on any hand lawn mower, but I thought I'd just add that to the list...). Your arms hurt from dragging it across the lawn-excuse me, Pushing it across the lawn; using your whole body weight to get it over the blasted stubborn grass, and then trying to find a way to mow properly beneath the rose bush, so you have to Pick it Up, and turn it around. And then your legs hurt, again from pushing the thing across the now bad-looking yard, as the grass will Still not stand up, no matter what different directions you push it from. Your back hurts too, but that's just a given. And then, you feel bad because, what you thought would be a good time mowing, and then being hot and tired, but proud that you did all that, you look out at the yard and... All the grass that laid down as you thrust the mower over it is springing up, and looking like a bad hair-cut-to say the LEAST!(my mom says that I should point out that the silly lawn mower is green. "Literally and politically". Green is my favorite color.)

Then it all stinks. Your family being the best part, as they force you to laugh about it.

 I still like to mow the lawn. Just not with this mower...



 So last weekend we dropped my brother off at college, and met my brothers really cool future in-laws. Now it feels like just a really really long girls week. But, I love my brothers, I do, but we all must grow up, and put aside old grievances, if my brothers hadn't left to go grow up, then I wouldn't have this opportunity to grow up. Furthermore, I don't think I would have finally seen my sister for who she is. A great and beautiful young woman. For the past few years, I some how was under the impression that she was an evil older sister trying to control my life. Like all older sisters, she is like a mother hen to me. I found it extremely annoying, and I treated her with resentment, and I worked not to do what she had asked me-some how turning it into a bossy order. I was resolved not to satisfy her. The problem was she didn't care, and she was ignorant of my strange rebellion (which I blame on Puberty, and Satan).

 But this has changed. There will still be arguments, and annoyance, but I will not be trying to get revenge all the time for nothing.

 I put up the books on the book shelf last night, so I keep glancing at my handy-work. I Love organizing!

 I started a manuscript that I have had under my cap for about a year or so, and I can't seem to put it down-I stayed up until four in the morning writing. I have used up half of a notebook; this has never happened in this short amount of time.

 I am really excited.

 Tomorrow we are going to start church hunting. I am Really excited about that as well. Church is our main source of friends, so I'm definitely looking forward to it. Not to mention how thirsty I have been of waking up early, and going to have fellowship.

 Well, I better go. Hope you like my little adventure with the lawn mower.

 CCO

 P. S. one of the neighbors have a tree in their front yard. The tree has an owl. And there are crickets. I am happy :)

Change; It's odd, it's funny, it's exciting!

Dear readers,
 Me and my dear family are moving again. :) I know, I know, we just moved to this cool small town, with the people who are rather, cold. But the city isn't :)
 I do like this small town, especially the swings at the park, and the birds, and the lovely crickets, and ever so much the owls, but I'm thinking that the city is where we should be-and besides, aren't there owls in the city? granted, you can't hear them very well, but they're still there. It kinda makes them more magical, ya know?
 It has some cool stuff. Granted, the crime rate isn't as cool, and they're swings probably aren't as good, but still, there's the zoo, there's more than one park, and so on. Plus, there's GRASS; and not only that but it's GREEN! And a lush green at that :D I don't know how much of this I can take!

 Moving isn't the only change going on around here; next month my older brother is going off to college. My oldest brother is going to get married sometime. And my sister will graduate next year. Like I said above, Change is odd, funny, and exciting! Or at least that's how I feel about it :) which is better than feeling all depressed and stuff.

 One of my favorite songs right now is a song by Relient K, I don't know what it's called but it goes, "If you close your eyes and listen close / you can hear the chapter close ... and you like the way the story goes / 'cause the Sun still burns the shadows out / and there's nothing to complain about now." Or something like that, but I really like. It's almost exactly how I feel about it all.

 Anyway, I better go. My sister wants to get on :)

CC and Owls...

My somewhat first day... :)

So today there's this thing going on in town. There's a Parade and a Carnival (which I missed both, sadly), and everyone's having a yard sale, and tonight there's a Pot Luck and "Live Music" :) It's the first day that I've seen that this place is actually a town; and, I'm really excited.  I have never lived in a small town before, so this is kind of new to me, and all I know is what everyone writes in books and stuff, so don't judge me :) My idea of small towns is that they're full of sweet "quiet" people and I've always thought they were cool, so I'm excited that I now live in one :)

 The thing I found on my first day here, that I loved instantly, was the owls. If I just sit there for a minute I'll hear them right behind the birds and the crickets. Owls are nocturnal, but for some reason I can hear them in the middle of the day-all day in fact. Owls are so cool. They're in mysteries, when the hero or whoever is aproaching the dark creepy mansion to investigate and they're startled by the hoot of an owl. (Which, by the way, is a silly name for owl calls, in my opinion.) Owls are also considered to be wise, or to represent wisdom, whichever. So naturally, they're pretty amazing :)

Crickets are also pretty cool, but mainly just because they sound so cool. At night when its quiet they're all I can hear; or, when someone says something and everyone is frozen quit, I can't help but crack up because its just so classic :)

 Well anyway, I better go make some brownies for the dinner thing.
 CCO