Just Be There

 I have come to the end of myself. I’ve been trying and trying and trying to make this all better. I can’t. It’s not working. So I took a walk. Yes, in the cold, the rain that turned to snow. I took a walk and I sang to myself. After telling God that I’m trying, I heard Him say “Just be there. Just BE.”

 Romans 12:15 says, “rejoice with those rejoice and weep with those who weep.” (ESV)

 I got the weeping part down-now for the rejoicing.

I have recently realized that I am extremely proud. Really, I've known that all along, but today, I realized it-and, I realized that it is keeping me from ministering to the people group God has called me to minister to, it keeps me from those around me, it keeps me from being able to love and be gracious and humble to those that I am called to-it keeps me from the people I love.

 See, you can’t love people when you continue to think that they are doing it all wrong, that you would NEVER do what they are doing, at least not HOW they are doing it now. You can’t reach a point of, grace, or love or compassion when you have that attitude! I love these people! Really! I’m struggling with showing it-I have to act on that love, to figure out HOW to love. 

 The only way to love, is to know love. Do I know love? I know love, but in my heart, am I believing that I am loved? That I am precious and sought after? That I am not forsaken?

 I've been slowly (but surely) realizing that I cannot fix everyone’s problems or hurt feelings or their broken hearts. It is not within my power. And it is exhausting me!! I am already stressed (if you couldn't tell by my last post) and carrying everyone else’s problems and feelings on my shoulders is not helping-it’s not helping me or them. I cannot be who I need to be, I cannot be the face of Jesus to those I love when I am exhausted and not trusting in Him.

 So I took a walk. I sang to myself. First, Let It Go, which was very comforting until I got to the line “the past is in the past” then I cried and had to move on. Then it was Let It Be but I can only remember the first verse and the chorus, so that got old. Then it was You’ll Be in My Heart, which was comforting. But the songs that really got me where at the end-No Fight Left, by JJ Heller and After All (Not for a Moment) by Meredith Andrews.

 “There is no fight left, on the inside

But maybe that’s where I should be

I've given up trying, I’m giving it all

To You.

 There is no place I can go

Where You don’t already know

How to reach right down and pull me out

I need you

I need you

I need you.”

 And then, reassuringly, this came back from my memory like an old friend…

“After all, You are constant

After all, You are only good

After all, You are Sovereign

Not for a moment

Will you forsake me.”

 Not for a moment, will He forsake me or those that I love. Not now, not ever. He is ever present and gently asking us to come to Him, to surrender, to give up our control and worry and stress and burdens, whether ours or others’, to come home to Him and just, just simply be.

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)

 Just to be there, with Jesus, to be there for those I love. To weep with them if they are weeping, to sing with them if they are singing, to dance with them if they are dancing, and to rejoicing with them if they are rejoicing. This is the way I can love them. Just to be with them. To be relaxed, and to be myself.

 It is a blessed thing to be at the end of yourself. Because then, and only then, can you come to Jesus.

 I love you all

 Good-Night

-the winter girl

Life at the moment

Hey you guys!!
 So I recently decided to go to college.

 I realize that sounds pretty strange to normal people, so I will explain my odd way of thinking. It's always been a dream of mine to go to college, but that didn't seem possible this year. But then I was depressed and mopey because my sister is leaving me for a job - can you believe that?? and a whole couple states away! - and feeling like I wasn't going anywhere, like I was stuck at home (sorry mom and dad, I really do love you - promise). But then it came to me a few weeks ago - what if I went to college? I spent another hour thinking about it, and after finding enormous peace, I approached my parents about it - but it wasn't until they were telling everyone that I decided for sure for sure good buddy.
 I'm ready. Ready to be independent (the girl who's totally fine with not becoming one of those old responsible people and leaving the comfort of her parents' loving care) and start my life.

 So then, on the way to applying, I discovered that scholarships are not the small trip I thought they'd be - not sure how I thought it'd be like taking a Saturday swim in a little pond, but I found myself diving in the ocean. Pretty big surprise! Yippee!! So much fun!!
 Total sarcasm. I'm suffocating!! I'm drowning!! Quick! Pull me out! I don't like this! Are you the National Guard? The thought of just one essay is enough to give me hives.
 Not to mention all the stuff I have to pay for now. Let's not talk about tuition, I'm still recovering from the spat about the, 'S' word... ugh! (shivers) I have to stretch my meager earnings between: my youth pastor trying to bankrupt me with all the youth events, retreats and camp planned between now and Fall, I now also have to equip myself with all the things my parents have so lovingly provided my whole long life (I am old now, remember). Shampoo, towels, notebooks, sheets, oatmeal, coffee... nnuuuuuuuggghh. No fun, at all.
 Add on that God has gifted me with one of those organized, get-stuff-done-ASAP-or-die-in-the-process personalities, so having to WAIT for my paycheck and budget my already lame funds between my apparently expensive spirituality and necessities for my surviving "the real world" (pray for me), I've been a little bit, well, burnt out recently.

 I know that this is where I need to be going - I'm at peace pursuing this goal, and I'm restless to get going - yet drowning under the waves of scholarships and no longer having nails from chewing them off about the money-thing,  I realized something last night that I used to never forget: God's got this. I can trust Him with all of this - if He wants it done, it will get done, one way or another, it's up to Him. It is NOT up to me (thank goodness!). I do still have to work on stuff everyday but I can trust that what I am doing is enough, that He will take care of the rest.
 Just realizing that what I am worrying about is in His hands, is so relieving! I am in His hands, as are the plans He has for me. He has equipped me for His purpose, not mine, His and He is in charge of making it happen. Praise the LORD I do not have to worry, but trust and do what I can everyday, and He will take what I give and multiply.
 It's so reassuring. To remember that I am not alone. Not ever. Even amidst the scholarships (bleh) and retreats and things (He is greater that mere things), He is here, right beside me, telling me to chill 'cause He's got this.
 "Cast all your cares upon Him and He will give you more things you have to pay for" - NO!
 "And He will give you... rest."
 How wonderful is that?
 Truly, our God is good.
 I'm telling you guys, He loves us. Like a father loves his kids. He's got you, He hasn't forgotten you or your worries. Take your troubles to Him and see how they disappear, fluttering away like pretty butterflies.
 Don't get my wrong, I still have to pay for stuff, but I'm trusting that He will provide - and if not, then I didn't need to buy that hairdryer or go to that retreat.

Love you guys!
  the Winter Old-Person